Settling Down


Over the past few months I’ve started to want to settle down. I know at 21 it might seem a bit young to be thinking that. I’m not talking about marriage, I just mean it would be nice to have a boyfriend to just share things with. This is coming off of about 4 years of just going to nightclubs getting pissed and shifting random guys and having one night stands. I mean I used to enjoy doing that but at one point I just grew tired of it. I mean I still shift random guys in nightclubs but I do it to look for something more than just a one night stand or shift. I do get numbers but the guys don’t seem interested in anything more. I know it makes me sound desperate but like after years of “promiscuous” behaviour, I just want something more. I mean wouldn’t it be nice to just go for a walk and talk about books or see a movie with that special someone? Just do something that doesn’t feel shitty and degrading. I dunno, maybe I’m just acting like an old crank.

The last boyfriend I had (who happened to be my first boyfriend) was back in 2012 and I regret breaking it off. He was so nice and I will always regret it. I’m such a fucking idiot. And maybe that’s why I can’t find a guy, because of Karma. For instance, I shifted a guy last Saturday and I got his number – we did have some stuff in common and he seemed so nice. He was more eager than I was and wanted me to make sure I texted him the next day. I did anyway (and I’m talking like late the next day, so it wasn’t like I was desperately trying to contact him). All I said was “How are you? This is Stephen.” and he goes “cool.” Fucking seriously, he was the one who was so enthusiastic and that’s his reply? The following day anyway I texted him “how are you?” and he completely blanked me. Fair enough, I can take a hint but why would he be so nice and act all eager if he wasn’t interested? Why’d he even give me the right fucking number if he didn’t want anything more? Like what has happened to nice guys? Why are they all dicks who don’t want to just fucking hang out? Why do they just want you once and fuck off? Like people can be brilliant together, so why not just give it a shot?

All I’m asking for is a nice guy. Someone who get’s me, and I him. (Beards always help 😛 ). A down to earth guy who’s not gossipy or loud – you know the ones I’m on about. I’ve no problem with certain gay guys being themselves, but sometimes they just give me a fucking headache by being so… “colourful.” I don’t think I’ve high standards, I mean an interest in books isn’t that uncommon, similar music and movie taste is a positive. Just someone I can hold hands with and be happy with. Is that really too much to ask for?

Any takers out there? … *crickets* … No? … Ok.

My day with Bridget

Note: Spoilers!!


The other day I took a sick day off work because I had a cold. I mean I went into work sick the other 4 days, and it’s a school so I deserved it.

Anyway so yeah I just stayed in bed and read Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy. It was really enjoyable. I’m about halfway through the book and it’s so relatable – as much as a 20 year old gay guy can relate to a 50 something mother of 2!

The book is about Bridget’s endless struggle to find love as lovely Mark Darcy has passed away 😥 but also about the stress of being a mother and figuring out new age media/ technology. It manages to be as humorous as the 1st two novels with her best friends still giving her love advice.

She is writing a screenplay in the novel and continues to put it off because of other things like love, children, social media, etc. I understood this straight away as I’m always putting off writing my novel series. I know exactly what happens in the books. It’s all planned, I just had to write it!

The new guy (guys??) in her life are so damn hot. First you’ve Roxster. He’s young – late 20’s I think. Fucking hot. I’ll give you an example: “Mmmm. The way his face looks when he’s on top of me, the stubble on the beautiful jawline […], those beefy naked shoulders. […] feeling his hard-on pressing against my thigh. Oh God, he is so beautiful and such a great kisser, and such a great… Mmm, mmm.” Raunchy eh? I must say well fucking done Bridget! =] Our next guy, Leatherjacketman, is equally as sexy. Sigh, why can’t I have one?? 😦

Anyway, the day I was sick I read a part where Bridget goes through some dating rules. Side story, I’m on a romantic conquest at the moment so I payed attention to this part. And it’s not like a get all worked up every single time I kiss a guy. This one was different. He gave me the feels. In my chest. And it lasted like a week. So… you can understand why I reacted like this. Some of the rules are as follows:


  • Do not jump to conclusions or fantasize. Shit, spent a lot of time assuming a lot of things were happening/ weren’t happening and fantasizing! Ooops.
  • Respond to what is actually happening, not what you think is happening. Mmm, yeah I was coming up with a lot of things in my head, should’ve calmed down a bit.
  • Do not allow him to upset your life or equilibrium. Too fucking late for that!
  • Do not allow him to make you generally distracted and crazy. I looked up a bloody “5 stages of grief” plan and made a “12 stages of heartache” plan of my own using Florence + The Machine songs. I think my sanity is well gone by now.
  • Notice how he makes you feel. Oh I know all right. I know all too well! ;D
  • Always be classy, never crazy. Dammit!!
  • Don’t make him feel caged. Sent 8 messages in a row like a crazy person describing how my messages weren’t going through… turns out he was just asleep. :/

So yeah I must say I’m enjoying the book and God knows I’m learning a lot from it. Let’s just hope it all works out. For you Bridget AND for me!!

12 Stages of Heartache

I have compiled this playlist of Florence + The Machine songs/covers to get through the grieving stages. Why 12? I don’t know, that’s just the number I got to. Here they are: 


1. Love – Bedroom Hymns. 

“This is his body, this is his love. Such selfish prayers and I can’t get enough.”


2. Anger – Howl.

“I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground.”


3. Lust – Drumming Song.

“Louder than sirens, louder than bells. Sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell.”


4. Alcohol – Hurricane Drunk. 

“I’m going out. I’m gonna drink myself to death.”


5. Longing – Over The Love.

“Everybody see I love him.”


6. Sadness – Cosmic Love.

” The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You’ve left me in the dark.”


7. Pain – Heavy In Your Arms.

“He took me to the river where he slowly let me drown.”


8. Emptiness – Sweet Nothing. 

“There is a hollow in me now.// You’re giving me such sweet nothing.”


9. Truth – No Light, No Light.

“No light, no light in your bright blue eyes. I never knew daylight could be so violent.”


10. Acceptance – Never Let Me Go.

“A thousand miles down to the seabed, found a place to rest my head.”


11. Healing – Take Care.

“I know you’ve been hurt by someone else.//I’ll take care of you.//Cause I’ve loved and I’ve lost.” 


12. Moving On – Shake It Out.

“And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart.”