Saving Myself

I was a withered soul in a young body,

Weighed down by possessions.

A melancholic spirit possessed me.

I was unfit for this life, this world of capitalism.

I never understood the people around me or what was expected of me.

I was drunk on the illusion of reality.

Then a realisation came upon me.

The problem did not exist within me, but with society.

They say she’s uncontrollable, merciless at best.

But a hunger inhabited me; a longing that spread throughout my entire being.

It intensified until one day the lion within me awakened.

I was reborn.

*

I cut my ties with the past.

The destruction of civilisation was never so beautiful.

It crumbled as I plunged myself into the sea of salvation.

Nature became my home, my companion, my life.

I had nothing and yet I had gained much more.

I found forested communes of people like me.

They became my family.

When the wind roared the trees would whisper stories.

The rivers and streams surged with life.

We lived among the animals; they were our brothers and sisters.

We painted ourselves with colours of gold and green, blue and red.

We danced under the stars to the music of our spirits.

We ate and drank around the fire; the flames were ever burning.

Our hands were raised to the virtuous moon and the enveloping sun.

We celebrated life.

We lived.


Stephen Riordan. 5/3/13.

Living

From this moment forward I solemnly swear to live.

I’m going to do something.

I’m going to be someone.

I’m going to be happy.

I’m going to laugh.

I’m going to write.

I’m going to dream.

I’m going to smile.

I’m going to breathe.

I’m going to feel.

I’m going to read.

I’m going to love.

I’m going to walk.

I’m going to see.

I’m going to share.

I’m going to hear.

I’m going to play.

I’m going to live.

Settling Down

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Over the past few months I’ve started to want to settle down. I know at 21 it might seem a bit young to be thinking that. I’m not talking about marriage, I just mean it would be nice to have a boyfriend to just share things with. This is coming off of about 4 years of just going to nightclubs getting pissed and shifting random guys and having one night stands. I mean I used to enjoy doing that but at one point I just grew tired of it. I mean I still shift random guys in nightclubs but I do it to look for something more than just a one night stand or shift. I do get numbers but the guys don’t seem interested in anything more. I know it makes me sound desperate but like after years of “promiscuous” behaviour, I just want something more. I mean wouldn’t it be nice to just go for a walk and talk about books or see a movie with that special someone? Just do something that doesn’t feel shitty and degrading. I dunno, maybe I’m just acting like an old crank.

The last boyfriend I had (who happened to be my first boyfriend) was back in 2012 and I regret breaking it off. He was so nice and I will always regret it. I’m such a fucking idiot. And maybe that’s why I can’t find a guy, because of Karma. For instance, I shifted a guy last Saturday and I got his number – we did have some stuff in common and he seemed so nice. He was more eager than I was and wanted me to make sure I texted him the next day. I did anyway (and I’m talking like late the next day, so it wasn’t like I was desperately trying to contact him). All I said was “How are you? This is Stephen.” and he goes “cool.” Fucking seriously, he was the one who was so enthusiastic and that’s his reply? The following day anyway I texted him “how are you?” and he completely blanked me. Fair enough, I can take a hint but why would he be so nice and act all eager if he wasn’t interested? Why’d he even give me the right fucking number if he didn’t want anything more? Like what has happened to nice guys? Why are they all dicks who don’t want to just fucking hang out? Why do they just want you once and fuck off? Like people can be brilliant together, so why not just give it a shot?

All I’m asking for is a nice guy. Someone who get’s me, and I him. (Beards always help 😛 ). A down to earth guy who’s not gossipy or loud – you know the ones I’m on about. I’ve no problem with certain gay guys being themselves, but sometimes they just give me a fucking headache by being so… “colourful.” I don’t think I’ve high standards, I mean an interest in books isn’t that uncommon, similar music and movie taste is a positive. Just someone I can hold hands with and be happy with. Is that really too much to ask for?

Any takers out there? … *crickets* … No? … Ok.